I’ve been giving a lot of thought to self improvement of late. (I mean did you see my New Years Resolution list?). I even, I am ashamed to admit, have a notepad file on my phone titled “New Year New You” ::hide:: and a matching “New Year Healthy You” note to match. I know, I am nothing if not optimistic and grandiose in my goal setting. As I was leaving for preschool drop-off yesterday morning, I was literally going through a list in my head of things I disliked about myself, or things I wished were different, or habits I wished I would quit.
Here’s the thing, I’ve been known to give the advice myself, “You’ll never be happy by ‘fixing’ yourself. There will always be something else you need to change.” etc. But, and it is a big BUT, I never really thought that applied to me. No joke, while I was giving that advice, my internal dialogue was actively running wild. Yeah, they shouldn’t try to fix themselves, they’re already great and they just can’t see it. But you my friend, WOW, you need a lot of work, a lot! And I genuinely believed that voice, I mean, it sounded just. like. me. I let my internal voice become my biggest frenemy, instead of what it should be, my biggest hype man. As I mentally went through that list, the one of all my shortcomings, I had an epiphany. I thought, what if, (WHAT IF?!?) I crossed off every single item on that list and just worked on one single thing. What if my entire self improvement goal sheet simply read: “Love Yourself”?
Accepting God’s Grace
Now, me being me, I of course immediately dismissed that, frenemy piped up with, Yeah, that’s called complacency, that’s called lazy, that’s called you stop caring and before you know it you haven’t showered your kids are running wild, its pizza for dinner every night and you can’t remember the last time you went to Church. Take your eye off the ball and the wheels are falling off of this crazy train, I can promise you that. But for some reason, ::cough:: God’s Amazing Grace ::cough:: I decided to try, to actually try, to change that voice in my head. If nothing else, cutting down that giant to-do list to just one single action item sounds pretty damn enticing.
Let’s All Be Quitters!
So for now I will ignore what my instincts are yelling at me, YOU ARE A QUITTER! I’m going to actually take my own advice, because I give pretty great advice, and I’m going to say God made me this way, flaws and all, and when that voice starts creeping, when it says, You’re a crap mom. I’m gonna tell it, “I was uniquely made inside and out to parent these children, God formed me to be their mama, I got this.” When it says, You are a crap wife. I’m going to say, “I care what kind of wife I am and that makes me a GREAT wife.” I’m going to learn how to combat the constant running diatribe: you’re stupid, you’re fat, you’re not good enough, try harder, stop being weird, be more outgoing, be less outgoing, reign it in, eat more vegetables, read more, read less, watch more quality TV, do NOT watch TV, we should do a craft, we should play a board game, should I homeschool?, be a better friend, spend less time with friends, more time with family, be a better daughter, sister, mother, wife. STOP. I will stop that voice in it’s tracks.
We Can’t All Suck
Above all else, I will be more open with the other moms in my life, because honestly, I can’t be the only one who feels this way, and we can’t all suck, right? And when that voice says, You drink way too much sweet tea, I’m gonna say, “You know, you’re probably right, but that is one
flaw character trait I’m super okay with.”
Dive In-Flower Crown First
So, here goes something?, nothing?, everything? I hesitate to call this a goal. How about the “Summer of Love”? Wait that’s taken. “The Summer of Self-Love”? No, that sounds dirty. How about, The Season of: “Guuurl, You Do You”? And something tells me, if I’m looking for inspiration, I need look no further than across the breakfast table.